Florence Delaney expects one of three things to happen when she dies. Ascend to heaven, descend to hell, or to wink out of existence entirely. Instead the unforeseen fourth thing happens – she meets Max, with his shaved head and strange fondness for white denim. And Max has a big confession to make…
Jayne will have her choice of an Amazon or Barnes and Noble $25 gift card.
I'd like to thank everyone who sent their pitch in to be critiqued. I loved getting to know you better as we got the contest rolling. And many thanks to those who commented as well. Your insights and advice were invaluable. I've had a great time with this contest, and I'm already considering ideas for another one. (If you have any suggestions, please let me know!)
Something tells me this should be a longer post, but I've been shoveling snow, and I'm a bit tired. I'm trying not to think about the chapter I was supposed to turn into the Slushies by Thursday...
But I digress.
Thanks again for making the first Slushbuster contest such a great experience. I've said it before, but it bears repeating:
We've met amazing folks through this blog. We are so fortunate to know you!
Every time I hear this part of the The Boxer, I think of writing. Isn't there that part in all of us that remembers every bad critique? Even if it was accurate? Especially if it was accurate?
We're on the second day of pitch-polishing, and this song seemed so appropriate as we continue with revisions. I've been so ... (I'm a writer, I should be able to find the right words) ... delighted with and grateful for the way readers have critiqued and contestants have responded. Please keep it up.
Yay! It’s our first Slushbuster blog contest! As you know, brave souls contributed their pitches to be posted here.
Now it’s your turn, you wonderful blog readers you.*
Please give these folks feedback about their pitches. Do they give you a sense of the book? Do they make you want to read it? How’s the writing itself? You get the idea. And please remember to swing back by the posts you‘ve commented on. Our intrepid contestants may be sharing revisions in the comments.
As I said before, please be honest but not vicious. The Grammar Nazi stands at the ready to distribute her own brand of blog justice should comments get out of hand.
Here’s the contest timeline:
You’ll have through noon (EST) Friday to provide feedback on the pitches. The comments will close then.
By Friday evening, I’ll have all the revised pitches from our contestants in one post. You can vote for your favorite pitch through midnight Saturday.
For those folks who want to make sure everyone plays fair, you should know I changed the length rule a wee bit because often, short sentences are quite powerful. So, the new rule is four sentences or 100 words, whichever is best for the pitch-er. Forgive me for the last minute change! I’m feeling very aware of my newbie status in the whole contest-directing department.
Let the feedback begin!
Don't forget Pitches 1-6! You'll have to visit them by clicking "older posts".
*Yes, I was thinking about Porky Pig when I wrote that.
Nathan Hanlin, a disillusioned pastor, denies the supernatural exists until he comes face to face with a demon. Confused, he turns to his older sister Rachel for help, only to find an old journal where Rachel has a secret she’s kept from him regarding his birth. Nathan must choose to either turn away from those who hurt him with their love or accept that sometimes love can be flawed.
Revision #1
Nathan Hanlin, a disillusioned pastor, denies the existence of angels, or demons for that matter, until he meets one- a demon, that is. With everyone turning to him for answers, Nathan has to figure out why demons are here. Imagine his surprise when he finds out he’s the one responsible.
Confused, he turns to his older sister Rachel for help, only to find an old journal where Rachel has a secret she’s kept regarding his birth. Torn, Nathan feels lost. The revelation of his birth combined with the supernatural powers battling it out in his town leaves Nathan with no where to run.
This is a middle grade novel set in the goldmining country of Northern California. Brother and sister are forced to put aside their differences and team up against a secret society bent on destroying anyone who threatens to reveal their mysterious ways. Can our struggling siblings push through a labyrinth of lies, puzzles and mystery to save their family? Is it even worth trying?
The day the Berlin Wall came down, Jennifer returned to England, leaving her week-old daughter, Szandi, to grow up on a Hungarian vineyard with 300 years of history. Now 18, Szandi is part of Budapest’s cosmopolitan art scene, sharing a flat and a bohemian lifestyle with her lover and fellow sculptress, Yang. Then a letter arrives that threatens everything, and forces her to choose once and for all: between the past and the present; between East and West; between her family and her lover.
Emmeline finds that being gifted in a world where those with a rare aptitude for magic are drafted into the armed forces for life isn’t easy, especially when she finds herself deserting in order to save her pregnant friend from assassination by a suave but reluctant killer.Her life takes a further turn for the awkward, when she finds herself on the run and falling in love with the man hired for the job.Together, the three of them strive to stay alive long enough to uncover the reason everyone now wants them dead, and if they live long enough, maybe do something about it.
Revison #1
For Emmeline, it only took a moment for her life to turn upside down. Yesterday, everything was fine and she was one of the city’s most promising cadets in the military Academy for the magically gifted. Now she is on the run from assassins, and magic wielding soldiers with only her pregnant friend and a failed assassin she has a crush on for company, as they try to stay alive and find out why everyone wants them dead.
Revision #2
For Emmeline, it only took a moment for her life to turn upside down.Yesterday, she was one of the most promising cadets in the nation’s military Academy for the magically gifted, but now she has gone rogue to save her friend’s life. Aided only by her pregnant friend, Poppy and the retired assassin, Ospen Calder, she is on the run from a legion of fire-wielding swordsmen and a cabal of murderers.Together, the three strive to stay alive long enough to uncover why everyone wants them dead, and if they happen to live long enough, do something about it.
Chloe Shepherd meets Dylan Hughes – gorgeous, funny and interested – on her first day of college freshman orientation. Yet following an amazing first date, Dylan breaks things off, not even speaking to Chloe until weeks later when he suddenly offers to drive her home to see her grandmother in the hospital. In the days that follow, Dylan tells Chloe the truth about his background – he and his family are part of the ancient Rayhm clan of witches and his family (his intimidating sister, in particular) are very influential; what he leaves out, and what Chloe discovers quite by accident, is her part in the collision course they are both now on that will change their futures – and the future of the Rayhm – forever.
Revision #1
Chloe Shepherd meets Dylan Hughes – gorgeous, funny and interested – on her first day of freshman orientation. Yet despite an amazing first date, he breaks things off, unwilling to tell her about his other life. His real life.
Eventually Dylan confesses his feelings for her and his secret: he is part of the ancient Rayhm clan of witches and his family (the intimidating sister, in particular) are incredibly powerful.
What he leaves out, what Chloe discovers quite unintentionally, is what that really means and the dangerous course they are on that will change their futures – and the future of the Rayhm – forever.
Revision #2, The Rayme Maker
Chloe Shepherd meets Dylan Hughes – gorgeous, funny and interested – on her first day of freshman orientation. Yet despite an amazing first date, he breaks things off.
Weeks pass without a word until he finally speaks to her again, ready to confess his feelings and his secret. He is part of the ancient Rayhm clan of witches and his family (the intimidating sister, in particular) are incredibly powerful.
What he leaves out, what Chloe discovers quite unintentionally, is what that really means and the dangerous course they are on that will change their futures – and the future of the Rayhm – forever
WhenElsbeth moves to Eiden after her parents' death, she believes her greatest difficulty will be avoiding her aunt’s misguided matchmaking attempts at the royal balls. However, as she hides on the edges of a three-night ball, she discovers a plot against the prince. Eiden’s future will be decided at a ball- by a girl who didn’t want to be there in the first place.
Revision #1
After her parent’s deaths, Elsbeth lives in Eiden with her aunt, Lady Augusta. Lady Augusta believes that with enough work, plain-looking Elsbeth can make a match at one of the country’s royal fetes. After a humiliating experience, however, Elsbeth decides to attend the next event her own way: Lady August can’t pick her partners if she can’t find her. However, as Elsbeth hides on the edges of the year’s grandest fete, she discovers a plot to assassinate the prince. Eiden’s future will be decided at a ball- by a girl who didn’t want to be there in the first place.
Florence Delaney expected one of three things to happen when she died – she would ascend to heaven, descend to hell, or wink out of existence entirely. Instead the unforeseen fourth thing happened – she met Max – he of the shaved head and strange fondness for white denim. And Max had a confession to make…
Revision #1
Florence Delaney expects one of three things to happen when she dies. Ascend to heaven accompanied by soothing music, descend to hell by the prod of a three-pronged spear, or to wink out of existence entirely. Instead the unforeseen fourth thing happens – she meets Max, with his shaved head and strange fondness for white denim. And Max has a big confession to make and quite a bit of grovelling to do…
Jillian's ideas always feel like dares to Melanie, but she goes along with them in spite of her gut feelings. On Christmas Eve, Jillian's idea for a game leads to a terrible accident, putting Melanie in the hospital for weeks, and in a wheelchair for much longer. Melanie must learn to cope with the trials and humiliations of her injuries, find a way to forgive Jillian, and most of all, take care of herself.
Sarah does not believe in magic. She has never tried to sneak into invisible houses, or ancient magic mirrors and she certainly has never ran for her life from the dark Hunters, or fought an old God who kidnaps children. But all that is about to change with the disappearance of her little sister, Jane one boring summer afternoon and Sarah’s quest to get her back home in time for tea.
Revision #1
Sarah does not believe in magic. She has never tried to sneak into invisible houses or ancient magic mirrors, and she certainly has never run for her life from the dark Hunters or fought an old God who kidnaps children.But all that changes when her little sister, Jane, disappears one boring summer afternoon. Now Sarah is forced to set out on a quest to get her back home in time for tea.
Little Dead Boys is a story of punk-rock dykes, fairy tales, and being lost. Kit goes to the suburbs to sort out her relationship with Gretchen and her art project, but there she gets tangled up in the mystery of a decades-old child killer. Gretchen needs to figure out what she’s doing with her life, her girlfriend, and her lover – but all she can think about the mother she never met.
Revision #1
Little Dead Boys, a story of fairy tales and punk-rock dykes, is told in the alternating voices of a couple on the verge of breakup. Kit goes to the suburbs to sort out her relationship with Gretchen and her art project, but there discovers her family's connection to a local mystery. Gretchen needs to figure out what she’s doing with her life, her girlfriend, and her lover- but keeps getting distracted by thoughts of the mother she never met.
Deep in the Yucatán jungle, during the sixteenth century, a Mayan High Priest,guided by visions from the gods, passes a prophecy to a Spanish conquistador.Four-hundred years later, Soledad Mendoza inherits the prophecy following her father’s murder.Protected by a mysterious angel, Soledad must decipher the prophecy before diabolical forces can achieve their nefarious goal –The white house.
Okay folks! Pitcher #2 isn't sure whether she likes revision #1 or #2 better. Should the pitch mention the White House?
Revision #1
Deep in the Yucatán, in 1562, a Mayan High Priest is instructed by the gods to entrust a sacred prophecy to Spanish Conquistador, Domingo Mendoza.With the assistance of an angel, the Mendoza family protects the prophecy for the next four- hundred- fifty years.
In 2012, Soledad Mendoza inherits the prophecy following her father’s murder. In a race against time, the angel must help Soledad to uncover her destiny, before a war between the forces of good and evil can consume the world.
Revision #2
Deep in the Yucatán, in 1562, a Mayan High Priest is instructed by the gods to entrust a sacred prophecy to Spanish Conquistador, Domingo Mendoza.With the assistance of an angel, the Mendoza family protects the prophecy for the next four- hundred- fifty years.
In 2012, Soledad Mendoza inherits the prophecy following her father’s murder.In a race against time, the angel must help Soledad decipher the prophecy, before diabolical forces achieve their goal to take over the White House, then the world
For all appearances, Jared had the perfect life – good job, nice house, partner of five years, a cat, accepting family, and margarita night once per month with his friends. Appearances were deceiving. Even the most stable relationship had small flaws that could widen over time.
Revision #1:
For all appearances, Jared had the perfect life – good job, nice house, partner of five years, a cat, accepting family, and margarita night once per month with his friends. Appearances were deceiving. Perfection did not exist. Even the most stable relationship had small flaws that could widen over time.
As folks are getting ready for the Polish Your Pitch contest, I thought I'd share my experience with them.
A while ago, Janet Reid did a very brief query review through her blog. (It turned out to be a precursor to Query Shark.) I wasn't quite finished my MS, but I knew enough to write a query. So I spent lunch break writing the pitch part of the query. It was a great distillation of the story, but it wasn't a great pitch.
That's when I realized my story needed work. Lots of it.
So, I thought about what would make the pitch good- what would make the story even more engaging. It meant taking what had been the slimmest of threads in the plot and weaving it through half the story. So I wrote the query with the new and improved pitch. Then I started on my MS so that it would match the query.
It meant research. It meant cutting a third of what I had, and writing nearly 40,000 new words.
Yet my story has grown into something I'm proud of. And all because of the pitch part of a query.
Working on your pitch can be helpful for a variety of reasons. As I'm working on mine, I'm thinking about whether:
It communicates the conflict.
It communicates the stakes. (What happens if things don't work out?)
Does it make someone want to read the story?
I'm also thinking about how I'd better go outside and shovel the snow, but that's an entirely different issue.
In the past few weeks, several folks asked what my work in progress is about. So I told them:
"Uh, well, it's about this girl."
"It's like a fairy tale."
"Ummmm..."
(The last was my favorite.) As you can tell, I couldn't describe my story to save my soul. That really irritated me. Here I am, a writer! Why couldn't I give a deft overview of my story?
I could give you a boatload of reasons about why I couldn't, but that's beside the point. We should all be able to pitch our stories in a few sentences because:
It shows friends and family that we've actually been, you know, writing a story.
We need it for our query letters.
We need it in case we bump into an agent or editor at a conference. Everyone knows it's bad form to slide a manuscript underneath the bathroom stall to an otherwise engaged professional.* But if you have 30 seconds in an elevator, well then...
Writing a pitch is a great way to get a handle on our WIP's. You can learn a lot about your story by distilling it down to its pitch. Sometimes a pitch reveals flaws in your story; it won't work because your story doesn't work. .
We shouldn't be afraid of pitches. We learned to write through practice and feedback. We can do the same with pitches.
So, here's what I propose:
Take some time, check out the resources at the bottom of the post, and write a pitch. It should be no longer than three sentences. E-mail that pitch to polishyourpitch at gmail dot com by midnight Tuesday, February 2nd.
Within a day or two, depending on how many entries there are, we'll post each pitch anonymously on the blog. For the next few days, folks will be able to comment on your pitch and give you pointers about what's working and what isn't.
You'll have a chance to submit a new and polished pitch if you so desire.
And then readers will be able to vote on their favorites. Slushies will probably throw in a few special awards as well.
This is the first blog-wide critique that we've done, so I'm sure we'll be working out kinks as we go. We'll need your patience as we get this contest off the ground. In the meantime, work on those pitches, and please spread the word. We'd love to have lots of good feedback for all our pitches.
Here are a few rules off the top of my head. (They're probably unnecessary, but I'll throw them out there anyway.)
1. You may submit up to two pitches, no longer than four sentences.** (Pitches for adult books are welcome as well!) E-mail them to polishyourpitch at gmail dot com by midnight Tuesday, February 2nd.
2. If you submit a pitch, you need to comment on at least three other pitches. If you submit two pitches, you need to comment on six, etc.
3. Play fair. Be honest, but not vicious. If things get ugly, we'll delete comments. Our Grammar Nazi has a collection of dangling modifiers she's collected over the years, and she knows how to use them. (Think nunchuks.)
4. Please don't worry about someone stealing your idea. It's not going to happen. (See Grammar Nazi, above.)
I think that's it. I'm really looking forward to this contest. We've got great writers reading this blog. Let's benefit from each other's feedback and whip some pitches into shape!
