But I digress.
Nicola Morgan's lovely blog (think of it as a Miss Manners column for writers- if Miss Manners had a penchant for wine, chocolate and colorful boots) hosted a worst query competition.
And I was a runner up. Oh happy day. Do you know how fun it was to write something that might make someone's toes curl?
I'd like to thank Nicola for the opportunity to compete ... Query Shark and Editorial Annonymous for inspiration ... the Slushbusters for always making me work harder and better ... and my family and friends for always, always believing I could do this.
(The time-to-stop-talking music swells as the worst query host escorts me off the stage. I can only hope he looks like this year's Academy Awards host.)
Since this is (almost) my blog, I'll post my (almost) worst query for your reading displeasure.
I am happy to offer my story, Kill Them with Kindness, for you to represent. Please read this immediately so that you don't loose out to another motivated agent.
After waiting tables for many, many years, I've dealt with many, many spoiled adults. Which made me realize: spoiled adults come from spoiled children. So I whipped out a 3, 724 word picture book to help with just that. (I'm not yet sure whether the story is middle grade or young adult. I figure I'd leave that to the professionals.)
My story shows what happens when Fairyland is overrun by evil trolls. They stomp the flowers and make little Carrie the Fairy cry. Carrie is so upset by what the trolls are doing to Fairyland, but she doesn't know what to do. So she tries to be just as mean as the trolls to scare them out of Fairyland. But that doesn't help at all. Carrie's actions just seem to make things worse. That's when the main character, Bob the Fairy comes in. Bob knows you can't beat the trolls by being mean. You have to be nice.
You have to ... Kill Them with Kindness.
The last 46 pages of my book show Bob the Fairy in many different social situations. Every time he is nice to a troll, it explodes, making Fairyland a kinder and cleaner place. Finally, on the last page, all the fairies follow Bob's example, and explode the remaining trolls.
Children will love this book so much they'll hardly noticed their being taught a life lesson. Plus, the mixture of Fairyland and exploding trolls should be exciting for both boys and girls. Their going to love it!
I've already sent copies to several children's authors (as well as a mystery author since my story has action) and they all said they couldn't provide "official" comments until my agent contacted them. Pretty good, huh? I've included a list of their contact information so you can get good reviews from the the moment you decide to become my agent. I'm so excited about starting this new career. In these tough times, I'm needing all the extra money I can get. (There's this house I have my eye on.)
Contact me soon so that you don't miss out on this great opportunity,
Thank you. Thank you very much.