Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Pitch #1 and revision

Title: Margarita Nights

Genre: Mainstream/Commercial


For all appearances, Jared had the perfect life – good job, nice house, partner of five years, a cat, accepting family, and margarita night once per month with his friends. Appearances were deceiving. Even the most stable relationship had small flaws that could widen over time.


Revision #1:


For all appearances, Jared had the perfect life – good job, nice house, partner of five years, a cat, accepting family, and margarita night once per month with his friends. Appearances were deceiving. Perfection did not exist. Even the most stable relationship had small flaws that could widen over time.

12 comments:

Agnieszkas Shoes said...

I'd say two things need looking at in this pitch. First there are a couple of grammar points to make it flow more smoothly (a very minor issue) "To" not "for" "all appearances"; and the second senence doesn't quite make sense - maybe "appearances were deceptive".

Second point is for me this was a little too general - it needs something to tell me this is going to be different from all the other "life isn't what it seems" mss in my slushpile. Connect me to Jared in some way.

Jayne said...

I'd start this with 'To all appearances' rather than using 'for'. I'd also want to put 'an' accepting family as otherwise it looks like he accepts his family rather than they accept him which I think is the case? I'd also either go for margarita 'nights' once 'a' month with his friends, probably the latter. The last sentence sounds quite chilling... Knowing nothing else about this story I'd imagine this is the sort of book that turns into a thriller. I'd be interested in reading more from that pitch as am intrigued whether I guessed right, or not! Hope that is helpful.

Jayne said...

Me again - please ignore the 'probably the latter' from my comment above, I was trying out two different approaches to that sentence (which I was going to leave in) but then deleted one, but not the 'probably the latter' part. Sorry... ducking in during work and shouldn't be in blog-land is my feeble excuse!

Clara English said...

This sets the scene and introduces the protagonist well. However, it's just too mysterious. I can't get a hold on what sort of novel this is, or the central conflict. I'd advise adding a bit about what exactly these flaws are, and why they're interesting to the reader.

Tess said...

This appeals to me. I like the line "appearances were decieving" and I like the way it starts. My only question is if the conflict implied is enough to make me want to read on... 'small flaws' seems somewhat of a simple conflict and I wonder if another word choice might make the pitch a bit more intriguing. This sounds like a fun beach read :D

Michelle said...

I'd keep reading, although I'd like a little more information as to what isn't as it appears. This sounds to me like a relationship story marred by a secret. If that's what it is, great. If not, I'd flesh out the last couple of sentences.

Brenda said...

I'd still like to know more about the central conflict. Is it the marriage? Friends? You've said that things aren't what they appear, but I think it would help to help the reader focus. I'm also not sure about flaws widening...something doesn't strike me as grammatically correct.

Sarah said...

I agree with the others that I'd like the conflict to be more specific. I'd also like to know what Jared needs to do about it. Does he fight for his relationship? Find a new one? Or is the conflict a catalyst for something entirely different?

Can't wait to see your revision! : )

Margaret Ann Abrahams said...

First, I'd focus on polishing the writing. Next, I'd try to grab the reader with the story. It's a good idea to avoid cliches - the phrases "For all appearances" and "Appearances were deceiving" could be replaced. Also, the word "appearances" is used twice. Vary word choice, use more vivid language. Then, introduce something to hook the reader.

Maybe the writer could start like this:

To the outside world, Jared had the perfect life - steady job, vacation home in the Hamptons, adoring family and Margarita night once a month with his buddies. That - and a five year relationship with a secret bigamist - or - a cat that tried to scratch his eyes out - or some other surprise that would show things weren't perfect.

Of course, it's always easier to improve someone else's pitch.

Ian said...

I like all the details about Jared's life, but I would break up that first sentence, trim the list maybe to a bit less info.

Please don't take this the wrong way but the main detail I picked up on when I read it was 'Yeah, and?' I wanted to know what the conflict was, where the plot was going - Is there an antagonist? Does Jared do anything about what happens to him?

I do like what's there, but it's all background. I guess I need a hint as to what is going to happen in the story.

As always, just my opinion, ignore me if you think it's rubbish! :)

Scott said...

Thanks for all the comments and suggestions. Beach read, Tess? Ha!

I'm working on a revised post and guess I'll have it done in time for Friday. Maybe. Crap!

Tess said...

Yes, Scott, I like a good-and-snarky, funny, intriguing read to take on vacation. I have no doubt your novel will fill that bill.