Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Pitch #12 and revision

7 Days to Redemption

Nathan Hanlin, a disillusioned pastor, denies the supernatural exists until he comes face to face with a demon. Confused, he turns to his older sister Rachel for help, only to find an old journal where Rachel has a secret she’s kept from him regarding his birth. Nathan must choose to either turn away from those who hurt him with their love or accept that sometimes love can be flawed.

Revision #1

Nathan Hanlin, a disillusioned pastor, denies the existence of angels, or demons for that matter, until he meets one- a demon, that is. With everyone turning to him for answers, Nathan has to figure out why demons are here. Imagine his surprise when he finds out he’s the one responsible.

Confused, he turns to his older sister Rachel for help, only to find an old journal where Rachel has a secret she’s kept regarding his birth. Torn, Nathan feels lost. The revelation of his birth combined with the supernatural powers battling it out in his town leaves Nathan with no where to run.


Brenda said...

I want to know more about what your first sentence (e.g., the supernatural and the demon) have to do with the larger book. This is the event that propels him towards asking Rachel's help, but does it carry through the story? Does the supernatural or the demon influence his eventual choice? If so, an allusion to that would help. I hope this is useful feedback. I am new at this!

Michelle said...

I agree. The first sentence is the most intriguing. I'm not getting much sense of the importance of the secret and how it's connected to the pastor/demon aspect.

Ian said...

I liked the sentence structure and flow of the query but I would like the first sentence to be more specific on the demon (ie its name perhaps).

I liked the premise though and the way it was laid out in the query (but perhaps would like the stakes to be a bit higher).

Clara English said...

I like the character of a disillusioned pastor, and family secrets are always good!

I would also like to know how (and if) the demon is relevant to the rest of the book, or if it's just symbolic of the family secrets.

I'm also not keen on the phrase "those who hurt him with their love" – it doesn't really mean anything, and perhaps it would be better to use a more specific phrase.

Tess said...

I think it's a great pitch. It's not a query - which would have far more detail - just an elevator snapshot and I like this one.

Andrea Franco-Cook said...

I like the way your pitch flows. It is well written and concise. However, I think you need to tie how the demon is connected to the pastor, his sister and the journal (if it is at all). Also, I'm not fond of the term "hurt him with their love." I really don't think it adds anything to the pitch. Just my two-cents.

Agnieszkas Shoes said...

I'd echo what Brenda says - you introduce the supernatural element as though it's the dominant theme of the novel and then it disappears.

A note - "denies the supernatural exists" sounds a slightly stilted way of putting it

Joan said...

Tighten some of your sentences. Cut "from him" after "Rachel has a secret she's kept." Also cut "their" after "who hurt him with."

Steena Holmes said...

Thanks everyone - revision above :)

Ian said...

I liked the greater clarification of what is at stake in revision #2, it makes it sound like a real battle for Nathan.

Not sure about the 1st sentence, I like the content but the 'for that mater' and 'that is' makes it a bit too long. If I may be so bold, I would suggest chopping off the '- a demon, that is' part as it doesn't seem to fit in (IMO).

Liked it a lot though, and got a real sense of what your novel is about through the query.

Scott said...

I like the first sentence. It throws everything out there, right away, and captures my attention.

Personally, I need a bit more. I'm a bit intrigued, but not enough so to, if reading this on the back cover of the book, open up the book and browse through the first chapter. Also, with revision #1, more of the voice shines through in the first sentence. I get a sense of Nathan that doesn't seem to exist in the initial pitch.


Andrea Franco-Cook said...

I agree with everyone else. If you remove the "for that matter" and "that is" from the first sentence, it will really tighten it up. Otherwise, I like the revision.

I get a sense that Nathan has just uncovered a mysterious secret that ties him to the demons. Also, since he's a preacher, he has been fighting against his dark side most of his life. FWIW, I would read further.

Jayne said...

Looking at your original pitch and your revision, I think that perhaps they need to be combined to bring out the best of your pitch. The original is very tight, and has a good sentence structure that feels a little lost in the revision (e.g. 'until he meets one - a demon, that is'). Also the revision seems to take two points of view - we are privvy to Nathan's thoughts as we know he denies angels and demons, and yet we are also told to 'imagine his surprise' which steps me out of his thoughts to being an observer. Perhaps that could be worded differently - maybe:

With everyone turning to him for answers, Nathan has to figure out why demons are here, and why he is the one responsible.

Also small typo - 'nowhere' rather than 'no where'.