Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Pitch #4 and revision

House of Mirrors

Sarah does not believe in magic. She has never tried to sneak into invisible houses, or ancient magic mirrors and she certainly has never ran for her life from the dark Hunters, or fought an old God who kidnaps children. But all that is about to change with the disappearance of her little sister, Jane one boring summer afternoon and Sarah’s quest to get her back home in time for tea.


Revision #1

Sarah does not believe in magic. She has never tried to sneak into invisible houses or ancient magic mirrors, and she certainly has never run for her life from the dark Hunters or fought an old God who kidnaps children.But all that changes when her little sister, Jane, disappears one boring summer afternoon. Now Sarah is forced to set out on a quest to get her back home in time for tea.

10 comments:

Brenda said...

I especially like the last phrase...get her back home in time for tea. This is young adult/children's? Just a couple of things grammar-wise. "she certainly has never RUN for her life..." and I would say "THE old God" instead of "an." I also think (but am not sure) that it should be: "her little sister, Jane, one..." Jane should be comma'd on both sides.

Scott said...

I'm definitely intrigued and would probably want to read more. I think the length of the last sentence is what made me reread this a few times.

"Everything changes with the disappareance of her little sister one summer afternoon and Sarah's quest to get her home in time for tea."

Sometimes, less is more. Definitely a good premise.

Clara English said...

This is sweet and charming, and I would be interested in reading it.

Captain Punctuation says:

"Sarah does not believe in magic. She has never tried to sneak into invisible houses or ancient magic mirrors, and she certainly has never run for her life from the dark Hunters or fought an old God who kidnaps children. But all that is about to change with the disappearance of her little sister, Jane, one boring summer afternoon, and Sarah’s quest to get her back home in time for tea."

Clara English said...

Also, it doesn't seem to have a title.

Tess said...

There is a fun play here between what is and what is not -- what she has and has not done. Danger and tea time. Quite nice.

Michelle said...

Thanks to Brenda and Clara for the grammar/punctuation work! You beat me to it.

I'm confused by the verb "sneak into" with both "invisible houses" and "ancient magic mirrors" in the same sentence. In this world, do people sneak into mirrors?

Sarah said...

What a fun sounding story. There's nothing like the reluctant hero.

I think you've got all the right pieces here- it's mainly a task of making it flow. And, of course, that was a difficult job when you initially had only three sentences.

Boy, when I find out who made that three-sentence rule, I'm going to give her a piece of my mind.

Ian said...

Great comments, Many thanks Capt. Punctuation (salutes), I needed that! Yeah, 3 sentences was hard! So now, I've broken the last one into two. :)

Here is the revision:


Sarah does not believe in magic.
She has never tried to sneak into invisible houses or ancient magic mirrors, and she certainly has never run for her life from the dark Hunters or fought an old God who kidnaps children.
But all that changes when her little sister, Jane, disappears one boring summer afternoon.
Now Sarah is forced to set out on a quest to get her back home in time for tea.

Ian said...

Oh, and the title for it is The House of Mirrors (must've got missed on the mail).

Jayne said...

I like the juxtaposition of magical adventures with the normality of a boring afternoon and tea-time. It makes me think Sarah either lives in a world that is all magical and she is over it already, or she doesn't like fairytales about magic yet is pulled into believing what she can't. Either way there is a nice set up here. And your revision works better, I think. I'd maybe even shorten the sentences to:

She has never tried to sneak into invisible houses, or ancient magic mirrors. She certainly has never ran for her life from the dark Hunters, or fought an old God who kidnaps children.