Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Pitch #7 and revision

The Looking Glass

When Elsbeth moves to Eiden after her parents' death, she believes her greatest difficulty will be avoiding her aunt’s misguided matchmaking attempts at the royal balls. However, as she hides on the edges of a three-night ball, she discovers a plot against the prince. Eiden’s future will be decided at a ball- by a girl who didn’t want to be there in the first place.

Revision #1

After her parent’s deaths, Elsbeth lives in Eiden with her aunt, Lady Augusta. Lady Augusta believes that with enough work, plain-looking Elsbeth can make a match at one of the country’s royal fetes. After a humiliating experience, however, Elsbeth decides to attend the next event her own way: Lady August can’t pick her partners if she can’t find her. However, as Elsbeth hides on the edges of the year’s grandest fete, she discovers a plot to assassinate the prince. Eiden’s future will be decided at a ball- by a girl who didn’t want to be there in the first place.


Brenda said...

I'm wondering what timeframe the book is set in? I think just inserting a year (after her parents death in xxxx) would help to clear up questions that I had about royal balls (mostly about how do I get to go to one..haha). May also want to add adjective like "aristocratic" to describe the aunt since attending a royal ball isn't commonplace.

I'm not sure about the phrase "hides on the edges" in sentence 2 or the concept of a 3-night ball. Do they go home? They must. Maybe something like "However, as she tries to blend into the curtains at the first Grand Ball (or whatever it's called in your book), she discovers a plot agains the prince and realizes she must ???" It spurs her to action, which you state in your concluding sentence, but what? Does she enlist the crazy aunt to matchmake with the plotter? Or is it overcoming her shyness to step up? I think more detail would help to round this out and make it more compelling. Does that help?

Ian said...

I like the opening but I'm not sure about the phrase "royal balls" (it seemed to jar to me). Could I suggest a change from 'balls' to something like 'functions', 'masquerades' or 'gatherings'?

The second sentence was good with a nice change-up in giving us interesting plot, but I would have liked the plot against the Prince to have a little detail (like what the plot is about - to have him killed, to force him to leave, or marry someone?)

But I do love the last sentence! It has voice and information and the promise of more.

Clara English said...

The setting and timeframe of this are to my taste, and I would be interested in reading this novel.

The word 'ball' is repeated in every sentence; as Ian suggested, could you use a different word?

I also think a few things need to be briefly clarified – is Eiden a country, a castle, or a kingdom? What is the nature of the plot against the prince? I'd also like some more information on the girl mentioned in the last sentence.

Tess said...

I can imagine myself sinking into this novel ... taken away to a royal ball (I didn't have a problem w/ that word but Ian's comment did make me giggle :D :D). It was used a bit too much in such a short space. Still, you create some visual here and have the start of a good pitch. A few word changes, a little tightening and you'll be there!

Steena Holmes said...

I really like this one. You've done a great job on your revision.

Andrea Franco-Cook said...

I really like the second revision. It is clear and concise. I have a good idea what the story is about. I'd read further.

Sarah said...

Thanks guys! I'm going to play with it a bit and see if I can get the language a bit smoother. You all have been so much help!

Ian said...

Nice revision - flows really well and very clear. I am so glad you kept the last sentence 'as is' too!

Sarah said...

Ian, that was the one sentence that I really liked! I felt like I was building the rest of the pitch around it. : )

Lisa said...

Love, love, love the last sentence. But in the middle (of revision #1) there are one too many howevers. Believes is not a strong enough word for Lady Augusta.

If you call it a ball in the book, you should call it a ball in the pitch as well. But you might have to make it clearer from the very first words of your pitch that we're in a fairy tale sort of setting. I think that's why "royal balls" jarred people.

Sorry, I'm being so blunt, but I'm in a rush (and I know you can take it). :)

Sarah said...

Thanks, Lisa. Sure, my eyes welled up a bit, but I was able to pull myself together. : )
I like your comment about setting it up as a fairy tale. That would solve lots of problems.