Chloe Shepherd meets Dylan Hughes – gorgeous, funny and interested – on her first day of freshman orientation. Yet despite an amazing first date, he breaks things off, unwilling to tell her about his other life. His real life.
Eventually Dylan confesses his feelings for her and his secret: he is part of the ancient Rayhm clan of witches and his family (the intimidating sister, in particular) are incredibly powerful.
What he leaves out, what Chloe discovers quite unintentionally, is what that really means and the dangerous course they are on that will change their futures – and the future of the Rayhm – forever.
Revision #2, The Rayme Maker
Chloe Shepherd meets Dylan Hughes – gorgeous, funny and interested – on her first day of freshman orientation. Yet despite an amazing first date, he breaks things off.
Weeks pass without a word until he finally speaks to her again, ready to confess his feelings and his secret. He is part of the ancient Rayhm clan of witches and his family (the intimidating sister, in particular) are incredibly powerful.
What he leaves out, what Chloe discovers quite unintentionally, is what that really means and the dangerous course they are on that will change their futures – and the future of the Rayhm – forever
6 comments:
I assume the last sentence is so run-on because of the three-sentence rule; I'd advise breaking it into two sentences.
I'd also advise a title change, as there is already a well-known YA novel called Catalyst.
This could be a really exciting story and I am intrigued by your pitch. I wonder, though, if the visit to the grandmother is relevant enough to the story to have it be one of your 4 summary sentences???? That part confused me and I think it can be a little tighter .. but you're on the right track so far.
I agree with Tess about the information about the grandmother maybe being too much. Tighten up by removing some adverbs and adjectives. Otherwise a good pitch, and the story sounds interesting.
You've done a great job of tightening up the second version. I'm going to be a bit picky and ask whether you need the bit about Dylan being unwilling to tell Chloe about his life. It pulls the reader out of Chloe's perspective and into Dylan's. Besides, his actions will make sense when you get to the part about his family.
What about something like:
"Chloe Shepherd meets Dylan Hughes – gorgeous, funny and interested – on her first day of freshman orientation. Yet despite an amazing first date, he breaks things off. Only weeks later does Dylan confesses his feelings for her and his secret..."
You could do a much better job than I could, but you get the idea...
Great job!
Responding to Revision #2:
Interested...in her?
Grammar correction: his family IS incredibly powerful.
I love the line "ready to confess his feeling and his secret." It's so YA.
The last sentence is clunky and vague. I don't really like the phrase "what that really means." However, it does make me want to know what that really means. Could you give a little more info about what happens after he reveals this? What is the nature of the conflict the Rayhm are involved in and Chloe gets swept up in?
Nice job on the revision overall. It's much more focused than the first version. I do agree with Lisa about the last sentence though. It's a little rough, but more importantly, since it's lacking in details you're missing out on a significant chance to hook your reader.
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