This is a middle grade novel set in the goldmining country of Northern California. Brother and sister are forced to put aside their differences and team up against a secret society bent on destroying anyone who threatens to reveal their mysterious ways. Can our struggling siblings push through a labyrinth of lies, puzzles and mystery to save their family? Is it even worth trying?
6 comments:
This pitch needs more specific information about the characters. Give us their names and a little information so we care about them.
I agree with the above, writing is all about being specific. The premise sounds cool but vague, I'd say you need to home in on who and what, a name for the main antagonist (even in a query I'd say it would help), and I'd like to know the names of your characters.
(plus its 4 sentences! - but I won't tell if you don't)
The secret society angle is interesting, and I think a few more specific details could be revealed about the nature of the society.
I also think it would be good to mention WHY these siblings want to unmask this society, as it's not clear why it matters to them.
I'd advise against using questions in a pitch, as many agents mention them as a turn-off. The last question in particular should be removed, as it has a defeatist tone and makes it all to easy for the reader to think "OK then, it's not worth trying, so there's no point to this story." I'm sure there is a very good point to the story, but this needs to come across.
I think the premise of your novel is interesting and your pitch is well written. However, it is too vague. I'm not fond of the term middle grade novel. What does this mean? What does it add to the story. It would be helpful if you gave us the character's names. Also, give the reader a snippet of what the labyrinth of lies is about. Remember, you want to hook us with the plot. I hope this helps.
You have some great stuff here. So let me ask you a question - What is your book about? Imagine your speaking to me (or an agent) - would you be satisfied with this?
What does the goldmining country have to do with the secret society? What type of lies, puzzle and mysteries do they need to push through?
I agree with the comments above. The first thing I thought about this pitch was deleting the end sentence - as it makes me as a reader unconsciously apply that to your pitch and your book - no need to invite any negativity. With that gone, and introducing the characters by name (with some more detail), I think this sounds very interesting. Is goldmining integral to the plot though? If it isn't perhaps consider removing it, as it influences my whole perception of what the story will be about.
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