Revision #1
Little Dead Boys, a story of fairy tales and punk-rock dykes, is told in the alternating voices of a couple on the verge of breakup. Kit goes to the suburbs to sort out her relationship with Gretchen and her art project, but there discovers her family's connection to a local mystery. Gretchen needs to figure out what she’s doing with her life, her girlfriend, and her lover- but keeps getting distracted by thoughts of the mother she never met.
6 comments:
This is the one the of the pitches (mine aside, of course :p) that hooked me - I may be biased though because this is the one I'd buy for the setting and the subject, so I need to mention the two weaknesses I found in the pitch - first, the last clause needs a verb "all she can think about IS..."
Main point - the child killer disappears - it doesn't serve in the hook, and it should, or why mention it? "All she can think about is her mother" - fine, but you've just told us about a mysterious child killer looming in the background and the pitch redaer is going "hang on, if I were her that'd figure in my thoughts - or at least on the list of things I should be thinking about".
So I think your pitch needs a polish but I'd want to read the opening chapters because it's my kind of book
I'm intrigued by this pitch - I like throwaway details such as Kit 'goes to the suburbs' and 'her art project' - these details are brilliant as they give us, the reader, so much more than if it had been spelt out that Kit is from the city/beach, and is creative. But I am slightly confused by the main point of your pitch - whether it is about the mystery of the decades-old child killer, or whether it is about Gretchen's tangled relationships. Like Agnieszkas Shoes says above, the child-killer doesn't serve in the hook and it should, as why is it in your pitch otherwise? I guess it comes down to what is the main point of your story – Kit and Gretchen, or the child-killer, and what is the ‘main’ thing that gets resolved along the way – the relationship, or the mystery?
I agree. I like the pitch and there's a lot going on, but I think you need a point of focus. I'm unclear as to whether it is Kit or Gretchen who is the protagonist here. I'd still read on to see what it's all about.
Great title and opening line, it flows really nicely.
Confused with the 'decades-old' line. Is the mystery of the child killer 'decades-old' or is the killer themselves 'decades-old'? (if the latter seems an odd turn of phrase to use).
Like others have mentioned, I would most definitely focus more on this child-killer in the last sentence, as that sounds like a great dramatic hook for the story.
Intriguing premise though.
Ian, I realised right after I posted it that 'decades-old child killer' is a ridiculous phrase! It means the mystery rather than the killer, but I have no idea why I phrased it so strangely.
The child-killer is a good hook but it's not really the focus of the story, so I've rewritten the pitch and left it out.
First off, great first sentence, it earns my attention for the rest of the pitch.
You were right to leave out the detail about the child killer but the mention of the mystery is still a little off-putting to me. Perhaps it's my desire to pigeon hole a book but I can't tell if your book is about relationships or mystery. Is the mystery distracting her from sorting out the more important relationships or is the mystery the key to working out the relationships? Maybe it isn't either one but that's the question that your pitch leaves me asking.
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