Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Pitch #5

No Permanent Damage
MG novel

Jillian's ideas always feel like dares to Melanie, but she goes along with them in spite of her gut feelings. On Christmas Eve, Jillian's idea for a game leads to a terrible accident, putting Melanie in the hospital for weeks, and in a wheelchair for much longer. Melanie must learn to cope with the trials and humiliations of her injuries, find a way to forgive Jillian, and most of all, take care of herself.

4 comments:

Clara English said...

This reads like a professional and polished pitch, and I have few issues with it.

The only thing I think needs to be clarified is why she needs to forgive Jillian. Perhaps mentioning the nature of the game would help?

Tess said...

I like this as well. something about the line "putting Melanie in the hospital for weeks, and in a wheelchair for much longer" seems somewhat awkward to me. What is the injury? I ask because I have a personal connection to spinal cord injuries/lifetime in wheelchair in my family. So, maybe it's just me, but it seems as if this line could be stronger if you stated the actual injury or reworked that sentence somehow.


Overall, well done.

Joan said...

Nicely done Michelle. I agree it is very polished. Just wondering if you need anything about Melanie's struggles with her family due to the accident.

Ian said...

I agree, this is really polished and lean; no fat on this one! The above comment also hit me that the 'hospital for weeks and wheelchair for much longer' sentence. It doesn't seem quite right.
Small nitpick I guess, 'cause overall I think it's bang-on.